Considering Divorce or Separation? Try Discernment Counseling First
Discernment counseling is short term, and the focus is not on solving marital or relationship problems.
Unlike traditional marriage or relationship counseling that assumes that both people are willing to work on the marriage, this kind of counseling helps people decide whether to work on their marriage or keep moving towards ending the relationship.
Individual counseling usually takes one person’s side, but in discernment counseling, the counselor works to understand both partners, even if they see things very differently.
Finding a qualified counselor, with experience in helping couples sort through want they want to do is not easy task. What makes for a qualified discernment counselor?
Who can benefit from this kind of counseling?
It is for people who are considering filing but are not completely sure if it’s the right path for them. They want to take one more look before making a permanent decision with long term consequences or they want to avoid a painful breakup.
It’s for people who want to give their marriage another chance even though their spouse is moving towards divorce. If you are interested in counseling but your spouse is not interested at this time, we can still help.
What happens in a session?
In this type of work, the counselor helps individuals and couples decide whether to try to restore their marriage to health, move towards ending the relationship, or take a time out and decide later.
The sessions are divided between conversations with the couple together and individual conversations with each spouse. The counselor respects the reasons for divorce while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the marriage to health.
The counselor emphasizes the importance of each party seeing his or her own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships even if this one ends. This type of counseling is considered successful when people have clarity and confidence in their decision.
When a decision emerges, the counselor helps the parties either to find professionals who can help them have a constructive divorce or to formulate a reconciliation work plan to create a healthy, successful marriage. In some cases, couples decide to take a time out from the discernment process and return later.
How many sessions are there?
A maximum of five counseling sessions is recommended. The first session is usually 2 hours, and subsequent sessions are 1.5 to 2 hours.
Discernment counseling is NOT suitable when
- There is a danger of domestic violence,
- When there is an Order of Protection from the court or
- When one spouse is coercing the other to participate.
The above ideas are based on the work of William Doherty and his “Couples on the brink” project. You can read more about discernment counseling here.
About Couples Counseling Associates and Discernment
Therapists at Couples Counseling Associates are never going to encourage couples to separate or divorce. However, some couples find it difficult or impossible to repair their relationship. When one or both members of the couple decides that it is in their best interest to end the relationship, we can help to sort things out with civility and dignity, not anger and revenge.
This is never a easy decision. Consider the many issues first to have the best possible outcome in a difficult situation.
More Resources for You and Your Partner
In our efforts to bring value to your life, or if you are not in the Chicago area, Couples Counseling Associates has developed a series of lessons that could have a major impact on effectively improving your relationship. We encourage you to dive into the series and discover how these resources can benefit you and your partner.
Remember, it’s the positive habits we develop that guarantee us success in all areas of our lives. Discover the seven healthy habits that improve relationships or get in touch with us to learn more about Couples Counseling Associates.
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